This saga began sometime in late 2009.
The Firstborn had enjoyed watching and feeding his cousins’ fish while visiting them that fall. He talked about how much he loved fish and how he wished he had a fish to feed. I, being the responsible father that I am, completely ignored these wishes and refused to give into his pleas. The Wife, being the intelligent mother that she is, knew that if she presented me with a Low-Cost Fish Proposal, then she could not only check that off her Christmas list, but also give her precious Firstborn the “one thing [he] wanted!”
This is what the Wife said. “Honey, do you mind if Auntie K gets the boys a fish for Christmas?”
“A fish,” I replied. “Sure. No problem.”
I mean how much trouble could A fish be.
In my head (which sometimes is revealed to be a dark and empty vacuum), I was thinking…”Oh, a nice little bowl with a tiny goldfish that we can just flush when dead and then use the fish bowl as a piggy bank…Sure. No problem.”
Fast forward to Christmas morning. Auntie K hands the boys a huge box…a box that contains a 10 gallon fish tank, a filter, various chemicals, fish food, rocks, and an assortment of aquarium accoutrement.
I then realized that “A fish” did not mean 1 small fish in a fish bowl, but a full sized aquatic chemistry experiment conveniently packaged for home use.
I knew that things would not go well for me, the boys and the unfortunate fish that were to soon come in contact with our family.
But what could I do, the boys were….overjoyed probably isn’t a strong enough word.
We stopped by Wal-Mart on the way home from our Christmas visit (I am telling you….the boys wouldn’t shut up about getting some fish) and purchased 5 fish. The Firstborn had named them by the time we got home (with a little bit of help from his father). So late that evening we said hello to the newest members of our family: Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dumb, Fish Van Dyke (the Firstborn named that one), Samuel L. Jackson (the “sucker” fish), and an orange and white Koi named….Lane Kiffin.
Things did not go well. The fish…had…um…issues.
There was overfeeding, clogged filters, elevated nitrate levels, and pH problems.
But I can say for about two and a half days, the boys thoroughly enjoyed the Fab Five.
About the time that algae started to cloud the water is when the boys started to loose interest, and soon after that is when the fish decided they had had enough.
First it was Tweedle Dee. He/she…I don’t know…was the smallest of the bunch, and frankly I am surprised he/she made it as long as he/she did.
In sort of symbolic gesture Tweedle Dumb followed the next day.
Samuel L. Jackson was a quiet and reserved fish and toughed it out for about another week.
Actually I’m not sure how long he lived.
The other fish floated when they died. Sam was on the bottom, stiff as a board; he could have been there for a few days. I have no idea.
Fish Van Dyke (the largest of the gold fish) hung in there for almost two weeks, but sadly he never really had a chance.
It’s not like we are trying to kill them.
We have cleaned the tank, changed out the water, added enzymes, changed the filter, researched, and even prayed from them…but I am afraid that this is more a Chemistry experiment than anything else.
I failed Chemistry.
The Wife and I decided to give it one more shot. We still had one live fish…ironically…Lane Kiffin. Maybe by now we were doing something right.
So we headed back to Wal-Mart last night and let the Firstborn pick out another fish.
And his name…
Fish Van Dyke…what else?
I just flushed Fish Vand Dyke down the toilet and I don’t think Lane Kiffin is going to make it through the night.
.
.
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…Personally, I won’t mind when I have to flush Lane Kiffin.